Fear of the dark
Chapter One
'Keep driving, don't look back, just keep driving' The only thought going through his mind as he drove on down the highway.
He saw it, the exit. He turned, not checking for traffic, not slowing down. Bang bang. A thumping coming from behind him. 'Don't look back, looking back is for the weak, just drive'.
Smoke, he could smell it. He finally came to the edge of the city. He looked up. Flames, fire, it was spreading. The next wave of bombers flew over head. He floored it, avoiding the wreckage of various vehicles.
He heard a noise. He slammed his foot down on the break, and turned to the left sharply. He dived out of the car. The pain hit him as he landed hard on his knees. He pulled himself to his feet, and drew his sidearm. He felt the familiar light weight of the Glock 20 10mm hand gun.
He checked the clip. All fifteen rounds were present. He pulled the slide back, and released it. The street light above him flashed and went out. Pitch black, the darkness set in almost straight away. He dropped to his knees and edged closer to the wall behind him. He saw a set of twin lights making their way down the road he had just been following.
Chapter Two
He leant further back against the wall. The truck approached his vehicle. The engine was still running. He watched the headlights as they got closer to his abandoned car. He prayed they would keep going, and just think it was another car that had been abandoned while running from their soldiers. The truck stopped. He sighed, and reached down to his boot. He undid the clasp on the small holster, and drew a small knife from it. By now his eyes had adjusted to the dark, and he could make out the figures of the soldiers as they exited their truck, and went to examine his car. He stood up, as quietly as he could, and made sure not one glint of light reached his blade. The soldiers surrounded the car, while one of them openened the door.
A few looked through the windows, but didn't find anything. Three Soldiers went to the back of the car. They looked at the trunk, and the soldier in the middle nodded. They cocked their weapons, assault rifles no doubt, and took aim. These soldiers weren't taking any chances. They opened fire. He listened to the hail of lead fly into the back of his car, and watched the soldiers from the flash from the muzzles of their weapons. He crept up behind the middle one, no doubt the captain of this squad. He put his hand over the soldier's mouth, and pushed his chin down and brought his knife across the man's exposed arteries. He held the man there for a second, then quietly crept back into the shadows.
The two soldiers watched their captain fall to the ground. One of them shouted out, and all of the other soldiers immediately surrounded the body of their fallen comrade. He saw his opportunity, and pulled a bulge from his pocket. He pulled the pin, and rolled it along the ground to the soldiers' feet. Boom. No screams, no moans of pain. Just death. He had no choice, it was either them, or him. They had invaded, they were in the wrong, he had no choice but to defend his country. He examined his car, he couldn't use it now. It had taken too much damage from the grenade. The back tires had been blown out by shrapnel, and the window had been shattered from the force of a soldier flying into it.
He went over to the soldiers' truck. It's windshield was shattered, but it had taken no other damage. Luckily for him, the soldiers hadn't removed the keys from the ignition. He opened the driver's door, and cleared the glass off of the seat. He climbed up into the seat, and quickly got a feel for the new vehicle. He slowly pressed his foot further down on the accelerator, and manouvered the truck around his car. The truck had less manouverability, but it was his only method of transport. He turned off the headlights, and continued driving down the road, trusting his eyes to adjust to the lack of light. He left the city far behind him. He didn't look back, he knew where he was going.
The sun started to rise behind him, he had been driving all night. He had been travelling to the center of the country, he knew that the soldiers were few there. He knew he could hide there. The invading force had taken most of the coast by now, and it was only a matter of time before they moved their forces inwards. But until then, he would have a haven. He had travelled into the mountains, and could no longer go on in the truck. He got out of the truck and walked around the back of it. He opened the back of the truck, and started going through the equipment.
He grabbed one of the packs, and put a few magazines, for the assault rifle he'd grabbed, into it. After that he packed two grenades, and put in two bottles of water, along with some rations, and put the pack on his back. He took one of the other rifles, and went to the front of the truck with it. He quickly jammed it onto the accelerator, and up against the seat, and jumped out of the way. The truck picked up speed as it headed off to the side of the road. It hit the edge of the road and tumbled down the mountain until it struck a tree. He looked down at the truck, and after being satisfied with the results, started to trudge up the side of the mountain.
Author's note: First two chapters, very short chapters I realise, but they shall increase in size as the story progresses. All creative criticism and comments are appreciated. If you like or dislike this story, please give a reason instead of just staing you like it. Snoink i'll edit this later, right now I have too much homework to do. Chapter 3 should be posted within the next few weeks, depending on how busy I am, inspiration, and motivation.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Wouldn’t you have to push the chin up the way to expose the arteries near the mans throat?
maybe an exclamation mark (!) for an explosion
This is very good. I do like it. I like the way you make it unclear whether the hero is on the “right” or “wrong” side. After all, one man’s freedom fighter is another man’s terrorist! Is that not so? I am very pleasantly surprised at the style. So cold and ruthless. A couple of mistakes, but nothing serious to worry about.
Keep Writing
Yours
BlackDove
I am just going to read this chapter by chapter. You have a very nice talent, but I can only read so much at once!
This is the only thing that annoyed me. It’s clumsy. I would have just written “BANG!”I will read the rest in due time but I will say now, you have a wonderful talent and the beginning is very enjoyable and full of action and suspense!
Al the Best
Yours
BlackDove
was he a terrorist? 'they were the invaders, it was his country to defend'. You referred to the guys as soldiers, u.s. guys? Is this from the bad guys point of view? What is this?
this is a good start, a little more discription would be nice, but that can be covered in chapeter 3, you need to tell us (dont have too just would be very helpful) the time period and why they are being invaded. very discriptive story. i can't wait until chapter 3 keep up the awsome work.
A good and interesting story, so far. However, a little more description would make it even better.
Keep writing.
Many thankus Jackimus.
Okay, let's do this in sections and I'll tell you what I think at the end!
I liked how short this was, to be honest. Some writers are scared chapters don't fit an imaginary "quota! of words needed, but rreally it's your story and if you want short punchy chapters, I totally encourage it. I've been experiencing too with dramatic chapters.
Anyway, grammar - you need punctuation in your dialogue, before your speech marks, y'know? Basics. I can tell you like your fragments. Some are good, others are iffy. Second line where it says "Smoke, he could smell it" doesn't really work. It doesn't throw its weight for a sentence that is just about to revel whats happening, why he can't look back. So I'd reword it to say "He could smell the smoke." You've got your definitve there, and there's no comma break to ruin it. Next two lines - combine them. "He finally came to the edge of the city and looked up." You like these confusing comma sentences don't you. Personally I'd also change this one to "The flames and fire were spreading <insert adverb here>" You need some adverbs. And some adjectives. Its too vague at the moment. Spreading slow, fast? Spreading where?
This bit - "He heard a noise. He slammed his foot down on the break, and turned to the left sharply. He dived out of the car. The pain hit him as he landed hard on his knees. He pulled himself to his feet, and drew his sidearm. He felt the familiar light weight of the Glock 20 10mm hand gun." Too many sentences start with the "he" pronoun. You need some different sentence structure or it gets annoyingly repetitive. You've got one different one, and that's a start. Get some variety.
The line "Pitch black, the darkness set in almost straight away." I find the Pitch black bit redundant and splices the sentence unreasonably.
If you have a short chapter, you need tyhe last sentence of it to do something. Yours is "He saw a set of twin lights making their way down the road he had just been following." Too vague and not enough drama! You need to reword it a little. I'm not gonna tell you how, its your story, but just get something more punchy. This is where fragments are useful.
Okay, on to chapter 2. WNot sure about the chapter break but we'll leave that for now.
"These soldiers weren't taking any chances. They opened fire." - You make it sound so boring! Shooting guns is fun. "They opened fire, letting loose a hail of of lead into the sorry car." (part of that was stolen from your following sentence, which I'd integrate into this one.
Anyway this chapter was mostly fine. Just watch your short sentences, you use them a lot. You also have a lot of sentences that can be combined. Dob't limit yourself to just simple sentences and commas. Use complex ones, join clauses and show more depth in your writing. At the moment the writing is very undeveloped. You need more adverbs, adjective, general description, and greater character emotion.
cool! I can't wait for chapter 3!